Happily Ever After

Time: 9.38am

I've been having this blog since 2005. I've written more than 200 posts (212 to be exact) and there are many which are too personal to be posted live.

Recently, I realised that this blog, which was initially started as a channel for me to rant, have became a little too 'public'. Being a very private person, I've chosen to start afresh somewhere else, somewhere where I can say what I want, post how I feel, type what I think without the fear of being labeled by others.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm never one to worry about how people judge me. I just want to have the freedom to say what I want about things in my life. So like all little girls who dream of a happy ending, I shall leave things as they are here, a bagful of memories, some sweet and pleasant, others heart-wrenching.

Whatever the case, it will always be a happily ever after for me.

So bye bye drunken-donuts. It's time to sober up. :)

Excess Baggage

Time: 12.03pm

I overslept by 20mins today and I was officially 45 minutes late for work. That aside, I LURVE SATC movie... I watched it yesterday and I could see that the cinema was filled with fans of the TV series. (SPOILER ALERT) We gushed when we saw how sweet Mr. Big was, we gasped when we saw the walk-in-wardrobe and the bridal gowns and we cried when Carrie was left at the altar. It's like how we feel about our own lives, and how our girlfriends will always be there when we need them. All the memorable quotes from the movie, all the familiar faces and the gorgeous outfits... it's like I could watch it over and over again. I like how Carrie said something like "Women in their twenties are looking for love, and women in their thirties are learning from their mistakes in love..." (or something along that line).

It's so awfully true, isn't it? When you probably start dating in your teens (some tween), you're just looking for companionship and the thrill of dating. You yearn to feel popular and wanted, and you're likely to hook up with any random person that caught your fancy (and vice versa). When you're in your twenties, (like me, and I'll be over stepping into thirties sooner than I can imagine) you realised what you want. Though you still dream about a knight in shiny armor, you become slightly more realistic. Well, perhaps women in their early twenties still pin for that knight, but as they past the twenty-five benchmark, they realized that it's not just about the superficial stuff, but things that are a little more in-depth. There's not a woman out there whom I know who feels completely secure about her relationship. There's just this tiny virus in them that is almost in-born, where they don't believe that good things could just happen to them.

It's like how Charlotte got pregnant, and she didn't dare stick to her usual routine for fear that she'll lose the baby. After all, her life has been perfect and she cannot believe that God could be that kind to her, and making her life so complete.

And then there's Miranda, who did almost everything she could (or she thought she did) to make her life and marriage work... but all the baggages she had with her is wearing her out. There will come a day when she'll snap and realized that sometimes, it doesn't hurt to be a little more laid-back at times.

Even Samantha seemed to have a relatively complete life.. but she lost herself in the relationship. And of course Carrie, who could've been eternally in bliss, until she lost herself under the pressure of others.

We all seem to have something that's never quite perfect to us in our lives. There's always this excess baggages that we carry around, and find it hard to let go, even if it's not only tiring us out, but also affecting what our future holds for us.

Just like how I mentioned in my Leap Years post, I'm pretty sure I know what love is all about. It's like how unconditional love should always be given when you feel you met the right person, and you're certain that he/she will feel the same about you too. Then you decide to let go of your past, and whatever is holding you back, to create a better future with that person.

Nowadays, my post seemed so profound... almost like writing a thesis or something. It's about time I blog about less serious things in life...

Secrets

Time: 1.12pm

Everyone of us have secrets that is usually buried deep inside a corner of us, and no matter how many days, months or even years have passed, they'll always remain hidden, barred from seeing the light of the world.

I believe a lot in astrology, and thus, I agree that Scorpios usually have the deepest, darkest secrets that will always remain undisclosed, even to their loved ones.

These days, the secrets seemed to have piled up, I'm hiding one thing from another, and using another to hide the first... it does sound complicated, doesn't it? When all along, I've always wanted things to be simple, I realised that my God doesn't seem to want it that way for me. He is slowly, but surely, making things more complicated for me, just to see how I'll handle it.

Secrets about people I met and corresponded with, secrets about who and what I've become, secrets about friends that I've vowed to never reveal...

After a while, it does tire me out 'cos I realised that in order to keep these secrets, I ended up telling lies, which I hate. Though of course, there are times when I simply brush the subject away and get to breathe a little easier for that brief second.

It's never easy to be open and honest about every single thing in life. It takes a lot of courage to reveal your innermost secrets and it takes even more to tell them to someone whom you love with all your heart, for fear that he/she will judge you.

So now to ease this heavy load just a little, let's share a little secret.

Here's my secret today: I already know all about the birds and the bees when I was in K2... nap-time was usually with a female classmate (no, it was innocent discussions, nothing explicit) and we could've grown up to be like Samantha Jones from SATC but somehow, we've all turned out pretty decent, and yes, we're still in touch.

There ya go, one hidden secret that've finally seen the light after 20 years.

Cheap Thrills

Time: 11.30am

I hate my biological clock sometimes. It wakes me up even when I'm feeling dead tired. I was up from 8am yesterday, woke up again at 9am, and off to work at by 10.30am. Yes, work on a Sunday, 'cos it's the anniversary celebration of my beloved company.

I was up packing goodie bags by 2pm (yes... too many hiccups along the way) and didn't even have time for a proper shower as we had to grab a quick dinner before the event starts at 8pm. And honestly, it hasn't been much fun for me.

For a start, I was in charge of the VIP lounge... and I haven't done soooo much PR in a long, long time. I met business partners, friends of our staff, and a lot more people I don't even knew where they came from. I'm not exactly a people's person.... I would rather hide in my quiet little corner, mopping about life, but yesterday night, I was the social butterfly.

Not only that, I was the unofficial nanny... to the staff and even for my boss, who got so immense in the celebration that he was very drunk by the end of the event. I had to make sure more than 10 drunk boys were sent home safely, scolded a few who forced others to drink, got pushed and punched a few times by drunks, accompanied many to the toilets and wait outside if they're guys and in with them if they're girls, and still have to make sure the VIPs are well attended to.

The bouncers even gave me looks of sympathy as they see me walking to and fro with new drunkards each time. One commented that judging by the distance I've walked, I would've walked home by now...

I was literally crumbling under pressure, weariness and anger by the end of the day. Too many things I needed to see to, too many people I needed to take care of, too many things on my mind. What I don't get is, what is the fun of drinking?

The boys were told beforehand by me that they should look out for one another, and not make a scene of themselves in front of our guests, but still, there were many that succumbed to the temptations of free booze and got themselves all drunk and silly. One annoying foreigner even came over and tried to be funny with one of our boys, and I had to step forward and tell him to not create any trouble.

Does it look pleasant when you're all drunk and sprawl across the floors of clubs? Does it make you look more macho when you show off your not-so-superb drinking skills? Does it make you feel all energized and revitalized? No, no and no. It's not a pleasant sight to be seen drunk- especially you're a schizo when you're drunk and starts displaying your most drama alter-ego, people laugh at you if you're drunk by your 3rd glass, and no, it doesn't make you energized or revitalized as it's not Yomeishu.

I'm aware why some people drink sometimes. It gets their mind off certain things that bugs them, and booze is more affordable and legalized... but the boys yesterday were just in it for the cheap thrills. Free drinks... so why not?

I'm not a drinker. I can't hold my liquor. I get flushed by the 2nd glass, and I'm usually quite high by the fourth. The only time I was drunk was at my birthday last year, no thanks to someone who thought I drink sake for a living. But that was the only time, and I only got drunk 'cos I was literally 'cornered' and forced to drink, much against my will...

Perhaps I'm too uptight and proper. I had the company's image in mind, and I didn't want anyone to display a show for outsiders about our company. Sometimes, I wish I'd not bother so much, and just let them be. Why should I care if they spoil their livers, or get their indecent pictures posted online, or get bashed up by random strangers? I don't know why I care. But I do care... and it's really wearing me out.

Holga Hoo-Ha

Time: 5.05pm

I'm having the itch. The itch for something that I know might end up being a white elephant someday in one of my drawers but I'm just so tempted to have it. No, it has nothing to do with the vibrator...

I've been looking at some really nice pictures of the web and they're all taken by this cute little camera (or toy-camera as the professionals would call it). It's the HOLGA! Gosh, you should see some of the pictures they can take...it's so awesome!

Someone is organising a spree for it and it's going to cost me $84 buckaroos... Should I? Should I? Should I? I desperately want to pick up a new hobby, go explore the rest of Singapore on random bus rides, snapping on things that seemed insignificant to life. Ever since my student's Mom asked me to come more often (which meant like every other day...cos darling Elton fared badly this time round) I felt a desperate need to run for freedom.

She's been very kind to me, even offering to hire ANOTHER tutor to make up for my time... err.. I do wonder why don't she just fire me... I'm starting to suck at this teaching thing...sigh.

But back to Holga. I was contemplating between Holga or Vivitar (which cost only $20 odd) or Lomo, but I don't really like Lomo's effects, it's just like multiple pictures. I prefer Holga's more random, vintage feel with the vignette effects. And look at the picture of the Holga I'm intending to get... it's so ... old school! I LURVE IT. There's a cheaper alternative (all black) at $10 bucks cheaper... but I want this one! I WANT! I WANT!

So how!? Should I? Should I? Should I?

Thou shalt not spend on dresses this month....

*UPDATED at 24th May 10.44am

I JUST BOUGHT IT ON EBAY!!! Special thanks to my darling colleague, Mr. ABC, who paid for me first!

An 'Interesting' Gift

Time: 1.23pm

A colleague of mine just got back from Hong Kong and while everyone else got soft cuddly keychains as presents, I received something quite out of the ordinary.

I stepped into the office feeling extremely lethargic as we had a meeting till 1.30am last night, and I couldn't even be bothered to pick a decent outfit for work. Well, let's just say that I am highly amused by my gift.

It's in a very sweet color, pink. Not exactly my color, but for something like this, color doesn't matter. It's even fluorescent! It's lightweight and handy, good for traveling. It even comes with added accessories. It operates with batteries (which is included!) and it is something that I don't own. I'm going to start befriending it from today onwards, and I'm naming it Pinky. Everyone, please say Hello to Pinky... my new found friend.

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The vibrator.

Well, I don't know which part of me spells 'Lonely' or 'Sexually Deprived'... but I have to say, this is indeed one of the most innovative gift ever. Now my whole office is so excited about my new 'friend'.

Now, would anyone need a review of how it works? HAHAHAHAHA.....

Stoner. Stoned. Stoning.

Time: 5.05pm

You realised you're getting older by the minute when your eyes get tired after staring at the monitor for slightly over an hour. When you back start to ache and your shoulders get much stiffer after typing for two hours. When your hair is falling more than 100 strands per day.. (either too much MSG, bad shampoo or simply too tired and stressed)

I woke up today, and was instantly relieved by a post from someone that have been missing from my life for a while. It's weird how sometimes days can feel like weeks and believe it or not, I actually shed tears of joy to know that that person is coping and living well. I think my mind has been too engaged in matters of the heart that it's wearing itself out. The hypotalamus is slowing down now... degrading by the second. Miss Divine Butterfly was quite affected by how depressed I've been sounding, considering that I'm one of her toughest friend around. She probably have yet to see me crack under pressure. I've not seen myself crack under pressure for a while too.

Momma's found a part time job in a polytechnic, collecting dishes from the canteen. When she told me about it, I felt this weird lump in my throat. It's not that I despise her job, it's that I hate to see she has to work at this age. Momma's not exactly old, she's in her fifties, but maybe 'cos she's been her own boss for a while, then when now she has to help clean up the dishes, I feel... really upset. She ensured me that it's all ok, and that she gets bored at home too... but I wished that there's more that I can provide for her, just so that she doesn't have to work anymore.

Maybe I'm just too tired... all the assignments, school work, projects, tuition, work... it's wearing me out. Sometimes, it's not the mind that needs a break, the heart needs one too.